


Kenny would've done it

by jatkojohto



Category: South Park
Genre: Bodily Fluids, Canon Compliant, Canonical Ages, Come Eating, Friendship, Hazing, Implied Sexual Content, Kyle's got a crush, M/M, Non-Sexual, Peer Pressure, Set right after s6e6: professor chaos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:47:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26622394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jatkojohto/pseuds/jatkojohto
Summary: Pre-pubescent kids are in that interesting age where their sense of morality is dubious at best.... Is what ten years from now Kyle would tell himself as a reason for why he, Cartman and Stan hazed Tweek in such a way. Like that's an excuse for making your friend eat a nasty cookie.
Relationships: Kyle Broflovski/Eric Cartman
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	Kenny would've done it

**Author's Note:**

> As fun as it is to imagine them older, I simply relish on how awful they are canonically as children. Strengthening their bond via making some other kid suffer is just so them, you know? Here's my tribute to that.

"For the last time, this is not bullying, this is an initiation." Cartman said with a pronounced sigh as he picked up another large chocolate chip cookie from the open package laid in the middle of them. Kyle and Stan sat in a circle with him, both of them munching treats of their own, uncaring about the crumbs they’d leave on Cartman’s bedroom floor. “I thought we were all on the same page here Kyle”

"Yeah, he needs to go through it, so he won't get too cocky about getting picked amongst all the others" Stan agreed after swallowing his mouthful. He glanced at Kyle next to him who was no more convinced than before.

"Does he though?" He asked. Both Stan and Cartman nodded.

"Besides, you weren't saying anything when Butters had his initiation” Stan pointed out, reaching over to grab another cookie from the floor.

“Goddamn I wish we had figured something more interesting for him to do back then” Cartman lamented. His head turned with a whiplash as the door creaked open, all geared up to tell his mom to go away when he noticed it was only his cat squeezing through the ajar door. “Okay Kitty, back into the hallway you go” He said, rising up with a grunt to go and pick him up. Kyle observed his surprisingly gentle handling of the cat before Stan pushed his shoulder, still waiting for his best friend to spill the beans on why exactly this bothered him.

"Well…" Kyle finally said, looking down at the package on the floor, he just knew he wouldn’t be able to think of the words ‘Flavor burst’ on the side of a package the same ever again. "He's such a nervous wreck already, it feels wrong to cause him more stress"

Stan wasn’t buying his reasoning a bit. "You didn’t have problems pitting him against Craig"

Kyle crossed his arms, annoyed at Stan’s habit to bring up stuff from the past that supposedly contradicted his moralic viewpoint, when often they were completely separate things. “No, that was different because it was fun. You were into it too”

“Yeah I was totally into it” Stan admitted with no hesitation.

“I still can’t believe neither of them was stronger. Ties are so boring you guys.” Cartman drawled out as he sat back down, satisfied that the door was now properly shut and they wouldn’t have to worry about Mr.Kitty distracting them.

“Yeah but at least Tweek turned out to be more aggressive fighter” Kyle recalled the fierce way he’d reacted after getting told Craig’s mom had punched his mom’s boobs, how he’d knocked over the IV drop and begun beating the shit out of his fabricated rival. He and Stan had made a good decision to choose him as their fighter against lame-ass Craig Tucker.

“I hear you on that, he pounced like a goddamn tiger at the hospital” Cartman replied with a smile, a contagious expression that had Kyle’s own face lift up. It was such a good fight to reminisce about, but even more fun was reminiscing about it together.

“Right? They had to call in security to rip two kids apart. A security!”

“Yeah man that was so awesome. And their faces when they got back to school and we’d told everyone they were both pussies anyway, brilliant” Cartman made the chef’s kiss motion with his hand.

“See, you don’t really care if he’s comfortable.” Stan interrupted bluntly. Kyle’s mood dampened immediately “Why don’t you just admit what really bothers you about this instead of pretending to be concerned about him”

Kyle scratched the back of his head. He wasn’t pretending, not entirely. Just bending the truth a bit. Maybe a lot. He sighed.

“It’s just that…” he begun, feeling a little embarrassed to admit it aloud "…What if he's going to tell on us?"

Cartman and Stan briefly exchanged looks as if they’d talked about this before in private and Kyle felt almost insulted. As if they’d expected him to be difficult, the absolute nerve. He wasn’t that much of a negative Nancy.

“You can’t live your whole life scared of your mom dude…” Stan said slowly, and Kyle shook his head defiantly.

“I’m not scared of her” Kyle claimed, yet even to his own ears it didn’t sound convincing “Look, all I’ve got is a feeling that this would be crossing some kind of invisible line, you know?”

“That’s so typical of you Kyle” Cartman said, leaning back with exaggerated disappointment “More worried about getting caught than actually doing something. You bore me.”

“At least I care a little bit, fatass” Kyle bit back. Cartman just tilted his head.

“Will you lay some eggs for me, chicken?”

“Fuck you Cartman”

“Yeah you are kind of being a chicken right now dude” Stan stated, and Kyle glanced at him in betrayal. How could a guy he calls his best friend label him as such a cowardly thing? Stan only shrugged before continuing “We’ve never cared about consequences before, no way we’re going to start now when we’ve got to show the new Not-Kenny his place in our friend-group. Don’t want him to turn out like Butters who thinks he has the choice not to do everything we tell him to. Right?”

Kyle hesitated before asking slowly “…He’s in the bottom, right?”

Cartman slapped his palms on his thick thighs in a mock outrage, startling them both. “Oh come on, I said basically the same thing when I pitched it, why is Stan’s reasoning more convincing to you?” he complained loudly.

“Because Stan isn’t you” Kyle reasoned flatly, receiving only a huff as a response.

Stan rolled his eyes before grinning “Yeah. He’ll be in the bottom, just above Cartman”

“Wow fuck you too Stan, me and Tweek are going to become best buds and then you are on the bottom of food chain, asshole”

But Stan didn’t answer Cartman’s angry input, opting to simply reach out to pick up the last remaining cookie, inspecting it in his hand.

"So, how are we going to do this anyway?" He asked. Both him and Kyle looked at Cartman who, despite still looking mildly pissed off, leaned forward and bounced back into the leader role as he once again had their undivided attention. He tapped his chin thoughtfully.

"Well, we might as well whip them out and jerk onto it right now. We’re on the clock."

Kyle couldn’t help but gape at the bold suggestion, embarrassed flush rising to his face as he saw Cartman already unbuckling his belt.

"No fucking way" he managed to say, hand stretched out toward Cartman in universal sign of stop. To Cartman’s credit, he did.

“Oh, I didn’t explain this part?” Cartman questioned in faux innocence “Sixth graders said that traditionally the coating happens in a circlejerk” he explained, as if he’d simply forgotten to bring up something as crucial as that when he’d pitched the hazing idea to others. Though Kyle had to admit, he would’ve rejected it outright had he known pulling on their dicks in front of each other was part of the thing.

"That’s not happening” Stan said with an uncomfortable grimace. Cartman scoffed.

"Well we need do _something_ , Tweek's coming in thirty minutes and there needs to be that layer of goo if he’s going to eat it. So, what do you prudes suggest we do?”

When Stan, as always, took his sweet time opening his mouth Kyle took the initiative, getting up from the floor swiftly.

"Give me that I’ll go first" He spat out, grabbing the treat from Stan’s hands before marching out of Cartman’s room, stumbling as he almost stepped onto Mr.Kitty waiting just outside of the door.

“Well that works too” Cartman said after him with a shrug "Remember to wash your hands” he shouted as the bathroom door down the hallway slammed shut. 

“Does he know how to jack it?” Cartman asked from Stan after a pause.

“How should I know…” Stan muttered in response. Cartman rolled his eyes.

“Some best friend you are”

~

The door opened and tuft of messy blond hair broke into view, light from the hallway giving its edges a bright glow. It was not the shade Kenny had under his hood, but close enough to give Kyle that fleeting sense of familiarity. Really fleeting, it was gone as soon as Tweek shut the door behind him and nervously walked toward them. Couldn’t be further from Kenny who used to strut through life like he’d accepted bad things were going to happen to him, instead of fearing them. This kid couldn’t even seem to handle three boys in a dim room with candles surrounding them without looking freaked out.

"Ah Tweek, welcome. We've been expecting you. Have a seat." Cartman said, gesturing to a pillow laid on the floor across them.

“What’s with the candles, man?” Tweek asked warily as he settled down, his eyes darting around the room in paranoia as if he expected people in cultish robes step out of closet or crawl from under the bed. For the first time after knowing the guy Kyle felt that his anxiety was warranted. This was Eric Cartman’s household after all.

“All shall be revealed in due time, my friend. How was your journey to my house?” Cartman asked pleasantly. He seemed to take Tweek’s twitching with involuntary ‘nnnrgh’ as ‘fine thank you’, as he continued without missing a beat “Good, good. So glad you could make it. So, the candles. Let me explain. Each candle here represents our souls”

“Jesus that’s a heavy start”

“This was Cartman’s idea, heavy is what you should expect from him. Because he’s fat” Kyle told him matter-of-factly, pulling a snort from Stan. Cartman inhaled through his nostrils shortly before continuing, pointing to the very short candle.

“You may also notice that Kyle’s candle is barely there. That is because as a creepy ginger he has no soul. Look forward to my class presentation about the subject in the near future.”

“No, it’s short because you just sawed the bottom off it and also, what the hell Cartman” As usual, Kyle’s rebuttal went ignored by others.

“And that is Kenny’s.” Stan added quietly, pointing to the only unlit one on the right side of Tweek. All of them looked at it.

“Yes. Kenny. Tallest candle because his soul had barely time to burn on earth before he was taken away from us” Cartman’s even tone cracked the slightest at the end and he fell quiet.

Tweek fidgeted, as if he were unsure if he should speak. Kyle hoped he would not. After the funeral it was the first time that three of them had stopped to simply sit and mourn the loss of their friend. Even if it was only via staring at unlit candle together in solemn silence it felt nice. But Kyle didn’t want them to get stuck there, any longer of this and Stan might start crying again. Exposing their vulnerabilities to the kid just joining their group was not an option. They had life to live with many years ahead of them even if Kenny didn’t. If even Cartman faltered, Kyle had to put them back on track because three of them were still there together. He grabbed the box of matches from his pocket and extended them toward Tweek.

“We want you to light it up today” He said with more force than intended. Tweek looked at him like he was holding a gun.

“Kids aren’t supposed to play with fire, so many things can go wrong!”

“We’re not playing with it. This is part of your rite of passage” Kyle told him, mildly irritated. He sure hoped they could curb Tweek’s paranoia in the future years to come, if only by slightest amount.

“My what...?”

Cartman seemed to have recovered from his unexpected wistfulness as he cleared his throat before taking back the reins in conversation as smoothly as ever “Yes. Today you’ll officially become part of our group”

“Oh. I thought I already was, we went through that whole thing” Tweek said, sounding hesitant.

“Well, of course the real finale in reality shows happens after the show. Why else do you think credits begin rolling right after the winner’s announced?”

Tweek shrugged, picking at his cuticles nervously “ _Nh._ I don’t know. Time constraints?”

“Naw, it’s because” Cartman paused, thinking about it for real “No, you’re right. It’s time constraints. But it’s also ‘cause everyone on production wants to get on with afterparty and this is the afterparty. We even have a special snack prepared for you” Sometimes Kyle wondered if only he could hear ominousness in Cartman’s tone, because Tweek looked unshaken.

“Really? Where?” he asked, eyes scanning the floor around him for bowls of chips or candy and finding nothing. Of course as they were under the bed. They’d let him eat the celebratory chips with them afterwards, they had decided.

“Patience, Tweek. Before you light Kenny’s candle you need to prove yourself worthy of inheriting his place.” Cartman answered.

“We need you to show spirit of Kenny today, to us” Stan said with tone of finality, signs of grief completely gone from him as well.

Cartman pulled out a plate from behind his back and slid it toward Tweek ceremoniously. “We want you to eat this”

Tweek reached out to pick up the treat, puzzled frown on his forehead deepening as he peered closer at it. He then abruptly reeled back, letting go of the cookie as if it had burned his hand. Kyle followed its fall with honest curiosity. When they were eating earlier the cookies were quick to crumble, yet now the cum on top was keeping the whole thing together like superglue, even with added impact on the floor below. He found it amazing. Tweek didn’t seem to.

“Is that white stuff what I think it is?!” He demanded with a yelp, looking at them in disbelief. Cartman clasped his hands together, tilting his head as he spoke.

“Depends. What do you think it is, Tweek?”

“Gross, is what it is!” His cheeks started to redden in a way that told three of them that he’d connected the dots correctly. Possibly thanks to the texture and smell. Apparently, the more coats there were of something the slower it was to dry. They were learning so many things that day.

“Thank god I was worried we’d have to explain” Stan muttered at the other side of Cartman. Kyle wholeheartedly agreed.

“No, explain! What the hell is wrong with you three?”

“Sixth graders called it” Cartman extended his arms theatrically “The ookie cookie”

“That doesn’t tell me anything” Tweek gritted out as he pulled his hair, his already fast way of talking speeding up as he grew more upset “What does this have to do with Kenny? Why’d you want me to eat this?”

“Kenny loved gross things. You want to be our new Kenny, right?” Kyle told him matter-of-factly. 

“I feel like you’re lying. Or hell I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. This is too gross”

“Yeah, you didn’t know him like we did. He’d be all over this, possibly the most nutritious thing he’d eat in all week” Cartman told him, picking up the rancid treat up from the floor. There’s some debris from the carpet now sticking onto it “Geh it’s all crusty...I mean, mmm that looks tasty, salty and sweet together the complimentary flavors, yummy.”

“Okay now that’s just slander against his name, there’s no way.” Stan butted in, ignoring Cartman when he made motions to him to cut it out, he’s ruining the persuasion with his meddling. “He’d be like...hold on…” He grabbed his beanie from his head and held it against his mouth, effectively muffling his speech “ _shove it up your ass Cartman_ ”

Cartman looked just as spooked as Kyle felt over Stan’s eerily perfect imitation of their deceased friend “…Anyway” He said, visibly shrugging whatever thought he had off his shoulders before finishing lamely “Don’t be shy, Tweek”

Tweek glared at him “If it’s so good then you eat it”

“It’s our welcome gift to you though, just for you” Cartman said as he gently placed it back onto the plate.

“…More like welcum gift” Kyle can’t help muttering and he’s a bit taken aback by the genuine delight his comment brings to Cartman’s wide face. Something squirms inside his stomach. Bad lunch?

“Dang it why didn’t I think of that pun sooner” Cartman said, snapping his finger with that mirthful grin.

“That’s it I’m done” Tweek exclaimed and started getting up quickly, almost knocking one of the candles over. He momentarily freaked out before he saw it still standing, and the annoyed look returned to his flushed face like it never left. “If I knew you guys were this gross, I wouldn’t have stayed in your stupid show. I don’t want a part in this”

Smile fell from Cartman’s eyes and it doesn’t sit well with Kyle this time. But as soon as he opened his mouth again Kyle is reminded what kind of an asshole he is.

“You were right Kyle, he’s way too lame to hang with us”

Kyle squinted at him. He couldn’t believe Cartman was using what Kyle had said about Tweek during their confidential discussions about choosing the new friend. So much for starting a new friendship on a good foot now that the boy knew what Kyle thought of him.

“I’m not lame” Tweek protested, but curiously enough wasn’t walking away “I just don’t want to do it”

“Don’t want to do it?” Stan started with a quirked brow “You went through all the trials and tests to show us you’re the one. Then you try to bail? After all that?”

“Seriously, that’s so weak.” Cartman added and he looked at Kyle pointedly.

Kyle thought about it. Tweek seemed to really want to hang out with them, otherwise he would be out of the door by now, he reasoned to himself. Was it honestly that bad if Kyle gave him that extra motivation to stay and do as told? It was only motivation, they were still giving Tweek a choice.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to” He started, looking straight into Tweek’s wild eyes, ignoring Cartman and Stan’s wordless disappointment next to him. It was uncalled, for he wasn’t done speaking. “But do you think that if you walk out this house now the school would be normal tomorrow?” Kyle continued calmly, watching as the look on Tweek’s face turned into dread, signaling to him he’d found the correct button to press “No, we’ll tell every single student what kind of whiny little bitch you turned out to be and nobody’s going to want to hang around you anymore. Stop being difficult and sit your ass back down”

Tweek looked away, his fists clenching and unclenching as he stood there stiffly.

“I’m…I’m not being difficult…” He muttered as he slowly sat down, curling into himself. Kyle chewed on the inside of his mouth at the sight. Though his method of getting him to stay was effective, he felt the sense of guilt creeping up his stomach, crushing his intestines. He felt bad. From the corner of his eye Kyle saw Cartman look at him.

“Okay, how about this” Cartman said after a sigh, digging through his pocket to fish out handful of coins and couple of dollar bills that he counted as miserable Tweek looked on “Five bucks can be yours if you eat it, Tweek”

Money? Dares? Conscience got shoved back into his mind, Kyle wasn’t about to feel bad about anything if someone got compensation for their troubles. He thought about how ages ago he’d made Kenny eat a manatee heart and later the vomit he’d hurled at the recess. How exciting it had been, how it had united them all. Could he relive that moment of fun?

“I’ll throw in another five” Kyle said in a fit of inspiration, Cartman seemed to be pleased by his addition.

“Tens bucks Tweek, that’s a pretty good deal”

“That’s too low” Tweek responded hollowly. Was he for real? Kenny would’ve shoved it into his mouth by now like the champ he was.

“The fucking nerve on this guy- Read the room pal, now there’s something for you to gain other than your new friends’ trust, you selfish prick” Cartman said and Stan made another Kenny impression, this time enthusiastic _Ten bucks holy shit_ “See, even the creepy Stenny agrees, Kenny did anything for money! You want to be our new Kenny, you better get onto it”

“But I can’t be Kenny, I’m Tweek” Tweek protested weakly and Kyle moved in for the finishing blow.

“You’ll be called a dickweed if you keep stalling, that’s the easiest ten bucks you’ll ever make”

“Right. Tweek, don’t be an asshole” Cartman adds and they all stare at the blond on the opposite side expectantly.

“Oh man this is way too much pressure, _hn_ ” Tweek muttered through grit teeth, yet he glanced at the treat on the plate before hesitantly reaching out to pick it up again. Very slowly he rose it up to his lips and closed his eyes, before taking a bite off of it. Tweek’s face contorted into a grimace as he started to bravely chew, mouth open as if afraid that by closing it he’d trap the taste onto his tastebuds. It was a disgusting sight, the way the creamy goo stuck to his teeth but the boys were glued to observing it anyway.

“Ew, he’s really eating it” Stan exclaimed, though he sounded delighted even when Tweek looked increasingly upset each passing moment, his eyes opening up to look at them accusingly.

“Dickweed’s going to be your new school nickname if you don’t finish that cookie, Tweek!” Cartman urged on as Tweek kept slowly chewing. His eyes welled with tears, but they didn’t care.

“Ten bucks, ten bucks!” Kyle cheered on in glee.

As Cartman yelled out to his mom to come and clean up the mess when Tweek’s futile effort to swallow made him throw up straight onto the carpet, Kyle thought that maybe having Tweek in their group wouldn’t be that lame after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Told you the fic was about the friendship. :D Did you doubt me?


End file.
